Unicorns Are Horny

Unicorn waffles, unicorn popcorn, unicorn t-shirts, unicorn plush animals, unicorn bath bombs, unicorn pasta, unicorn frappes, unicorn toothpaste, and of course unicorn poop… (Sorry, I just puked a little in my mouth from that last one! GAG!) I get it, UNICORNS are popular!

They are kinda pretty in a horsey, useless-mono-horn-projecting-from-your-forehead kind of way, but have you ever really talked to a unicorn before? I mean really, REALLY FOR REAL talked to a unicorn? I’m gonna let you in on a secret. Those deceptively sweet-looking unicorns are totally horny! If you talk long enough with a unicorn, I swear they will eventually start talking all about how girthy their horn is and blah, blah, erect, blah, blah, amazing, blah, blah, big, blah, blah,  and on and on about this ridiculous horn that projects out of their head, which as far as I can tell, serves no specific purpose. I suspect that they use them like the narwhal, or “unicorn of the sea”. (Who, incidentally, they are related to, but treat like an ugly stepsister.) Apparently, narwhals use their tusks to scare off rival males and to attract females. See, isn’t it always about size ladies? That horny horn essentially says, “I am bigger, thus better, than you.” (Aren’t you glad that you bought that unicorn bedding for your sweet, innocent, straight from heaven newborn daughter?)

Anyway, usually, I try to combat this nonsensical horny conversation by extending my powerful wings and talking about how strong and beautiful they are just to distract the unicorn from its own narcissism. Unfortunately, most of the time, the unicorn just stares at me with a disgusted look on their face and says, inevitably, that I’ve “gone too far”. REALLY, I’ve gone too far? ME?!? Sigh! It’s a very bizarre experience, and I promise you that you will never look at a unicorn the same again after having “the horny discussion”. So, please, just know that unicorns are horny. It’s much better to be a unique, Pert Pegasus than an ordinary, horny unicorn.